my clothes and me

I don’t own any black clothes.

Well… I have one blouse and a dress that I wore to my Papaw’s funeral but other than that… it’s slim to none. I needed a black top the other day and my suitemate was shocked that I was without one… not believing me she came to investigate my closet herself. Pink scarves, blue sweaters, red t-shirts, purple flip-flops… she was amazed.

I wonder if that means something about me? The French love black and wear it everyday. I hated France, maybe that’s a reason? Black is generally associated with death and color with life. Does my very un-black wardrobe somehow signify my distance from death? I’ve only had 3 people die in my life (that I can remember) that have made an impact on me and even now, years later it doesn’t seem like they are actually dead. I always expect them to just be there when I go home. I am incapable to accept death as reality.

I remember being in middle school and doing what I called “theme dressing” which is something I never actually told anyone… I would only think it. Theme dressing relates very closely to the Spice Girls. Posh, Baby, Scary, Sporty & Ginger. I recall getting dressed and wanting to wear tennis shoes so I would promptly pick out a shirt to go along with it that was in the “sporty” category. I find myself still doing that now as a 21 year old college senior. Some days I’ll be indi (generally these are the days I wake up too late to shower) and wear cords with my mockasins and some messy hairdo with lots of layered clothing. Other days I’ll go sassy and wear all the fun trendy jewelry and other times I’ll be a prep with my skinny jeans and polos.

Do other people do this? Most people I know wear pretty consistent clothing… I wonder if I’m odd. I also wonder if these very different clothing characters I have represent my inablity to put a finger on who I am.

Everyone is getting engaged… seriously, 3/5 people I know in my class will be engaged this year. [I.E. my graphic design 2 class has 11 students in it. 5 of those 11 are either engaged or married. Blows my mind. Then this past Saturday my roommate was engaged. Part of me wants that very soon… a ring, the wedding date, etc. But still part of me is scared. I question: am I ready? is he ready? are we ready? do we even want to right now.. or ever? It’s so hard to not be influenced by your peers and surroundings. When everyone around you has something bright and shiny on their left hand you can’t help (as a girl) to want one.

It makes me think of PG13 movies and how my parents forbid me to see them… ever. They would always say “in a few years when you turn 13 you’ll be ready and you can see them then.” But even when I was 13 they still didn’t want me to see them… wasn’t I supposed to be ready? I’m not sure if anyone can be completely 100% ready for marriage. If one says that they are they are probably lying or single.

Taking that leap invloves bravery and even though I have met the age requirements I’m not sure I’m quite ready yet. But I really want to be.

the one

Many people pet name Christian colleges (such as the one I attend) to be “marriage factories.” But never do I feel as pressured to get hitched when at college as when I am in my hometown at my home church.

The examples are sticky and I shalt not get into them.

All of my life I’ve never doubted the idea that one day, when it’s time, God will reveal the right guy for me. Where I got this idea… I’m not quite sure.

Then I got thinking… where do these “ones” come from? Is there a town somewhere dedicated to producing Mr. and Mrs. Right? Doubt it.

Where is the logic in thinking that just because I exist that God has someone planned for me? What if his plan is for me to do something completely different with my life?

I struggle with wanting to believe that my plan for my life is the same as God’s plan for my life.

I also struggle with leaving the idea of “the one” for me in God’s hands. It’s funny how I can be so sure that God will provide the right guy for me but yet subconsciously doubt that everything will work out as it should. I want to push things and fix things on my own that probably don’t need to be pushed or fixed.

It’s almost that without realizing it I’ve taken away my full trust in God to handle this for me. Like I think that he needs help with the matter.

For example, when I date a guy that I think has any possibility of being “the one” I hold on for dear life. I put my whole heart into it and try at hard as possible. Generally around this time I forget to pray… which is what I should be doing from the start about the situation. Then (like always) it all falls apart.

But tonight I got to thinking…. what if what God is trying to tell me is that he doesn’t have someone out there searching for me. Someone meant to save me and make sense out of my mess. What if I’m supposed to be the one doing the searching and saving? What if this is why I always feel the need to put all of my heart and hope into a relationship?

What is the difference between being the one vs. finding the one?

In a way, I want to be both. But is that possible?

All I know is that if I’m sitting around on my toosh waiting for Mr. Right while my Mr. Right is sitting around on his toosh waiting for me we’re never, ever going to find each other.

For now though I’m content with the idea of there ever even being a “Mr. Right” for me. I’m not ready and I’m sure, if he’s right for me, then wherever he is he’s not ready either. But when it’s time, we both will be.

earning love

A man may, if he knows not how to save as he gets, keep his nose to the grindstone.
-Benjamin Franklin

You can earn money

You can earn a punishment

You can earn a reputation

But, can you earn someone’s love?

Everyday I hear stories or see people doing acts of “love” to win over someone they want to love them back.

Is it possible for someone to fall in love with another person just because the other person bought them a gift?

Our society encourages the strangest things.

In my mind someone has to fall in love with the other person on their own. This love cannot be persuaded by gifts or acts of kindness. If that person simply cannot fall in love with the other then no gift is going to persuade their heart to do so.

Love is so much more than just materialistic objects.

But, if two people are already in love with one another the gift would not be trying to earn the other’s love but to remind them of how much they love them.

My heart goes out to those who love with no regard to the other person loving them back. These are the ones who love unselfishly but still always very hopeful that the other will change their mind. Maybe if the unloved just did one more thing… the object of their desire would love them back.

It’s heartwrenching to know that this isn’t true.

One cannot be convinced to give their heart away. It’s up to the heart to decide where it wants to go.

Like others I am very much so in love with love.

I think in a way I live for the undefined. For instance define the following for me:

1. Love

2. God

3. Art

I enjoy the fact that all three of these, which are the basis of my being, have no limits. No constrictions.

What a great way to live life…. knowing that the impossible is merely possible.

design

I’m a graphic design major.

I love, love design.

Two recent projects:

serentopia clothing store

[anna parks & ryan shelburne]

indulge tea

[anna parks]

assignments

In English classes while in elementary-high school my teacher’s would generally assign us to keep a journal. Then proceed to give us a topic for each journal entry.

I must be odd because I was the only student in those classes who actually enjoyed the topics the teacher gave us and loved writing about it.

When I write on here I feel it necessary to give myself a topic so that the end result can be short, sweet and understandable. I hope you don’t find this to be very weird because I enjoy it & I hope you as the reader do as well.

genius

“What is your gift? Your God given gift or talent?”

A guy at a coffeehouse once asked me this question. I had to ponder for an answer.

The philosopher Kant spoke about the “genius” in his writings. Kant referred to the genius of an artist to be the artist’s talent. Genius = talent.

The philosopher Schopenhauer also spoke of the genius but in his opinion the genius was the person who possessed the talent.

In my eyes I can see both being right but the question on my mind isn’t what is genius but rather what is your genius? What is your God given talent?

My Talent?

I’m an artist, a thinker, an inspiration.

“How can you use this to benefit God?”

[the boy questioned me again]

I wondered,

stumbled over my words,

and had an inconclusive answer.

I still question how I can use my art to bring people to God. I think about this all the time.

But I have been given the wisdom and inspiration to not just create but to spread my words and thoughts to others. I feel that by showing people a different way to think and to give them advice that can only strengthen their christian walk I can use my genius.

This might sound like an odd way to approach the love of God.. but when you think about it it makes perfect sense.

God loves to work through people.

I love, love being able to be a person that God can work through.

rainy day

I love rainy days. They give me this feeling of refreshment… washing away all old and bad and looking forward to the next sunny day.

Today it’s raining.

Today I’m frustrated.

Frustrated with what? Well I think it’s mostly different unresolved situations. I feel like I keep having these moments and conversations and arguments where people just give up or try to pretend there is nothing wrong.

I have issues with closure.

I like to fix things and make sure everything is okay. I can’t stand it when I’m at odds with a friend or relative. I feel like a man in this way… aren’t they supposed to be the ones that like to fix everything? Maybe thats a misconception.

Men live to fix material things.

Women live to fix emotional things.

……I wonder if this is true & if so, does it mean anything?

vacation

I’m coming home from my hardest year I’m making plans not to make plans while I’m here And this life has been no holiday, a complicated situation I’m fine with all my memories Still I could use vacation It’s good to be alive [ jack's mannequin ]

a time to blossom

blos-som [blos-uh m]

1. The flower of a plant, esp. of one producing an edible fruit.

2. The state of flowering

3. To flourish; develop

 

I feel like this word really describes what I’m trying to feel right now.

I just finished the most exhausting, stressful and horrible semester of my life. Between losing friends, boyfriends, being sick, stressful situations and my grandfather passing away by the end of the semester I felt completely out of control of my own life and I’m so terribly ready for that to be over and for me to move on to something completely new.

I need to blossom.

I know when the term “blossom” is used in reference to girls it generally is speaking about girls reaching that “certain time” in their lives. But, for me I feel it is a constant growth… life is always changing and I love to be changing with it.

Today I started working again at the advertising place I worked last summer. This is not something I consider to fall into my “blossoming” category considering that it’s just something I’m doing again. Luckily, I’m only doing this for 2 weeks.

I love being single and having 3 jobs this summer… I feel like such a grown up woman.

By the way, I’m 21 now. How weird is that? I don’t drink but just the idea that if I wanted to I could go out and buy alcohol and there would legally be nothing wrong with it is a very strange feeling.

In 2 weeks after Jordan [my brother] graduates I’m going to be a Nanny & photography assistant/graphic designer in Alexandria, Virginia [washington d.c. area]. This is what I’m talking about when I speak of blossoming.

I love growing up.